I would later say the reason I picked now for the bike was because I saw the price of gas go to an all time high.  That was a lie.  I knew this, but the lie persisted. 
I decided on the BMX because it felt counter to where I really was in life.  It felt like a call-back to a time I really didn't get to live.  It felt like I was reliving my youth, as a rebel. 
I started skating a few years ago for much the same reason. I wanted something to reflect a person I wasn't, a person who was counter. A person who didn't want to belong to the group he'd picked.   

The BMX would be an ugly used thing. It would reek of stolen valour.  Scratches and bruises I had not given it. A paint job that suggested it was battle worn.  But I wasn't the rider who'd been part of this journey.   I just really wished I was. 

When I decided on the RAT bike, I picked it not for who I am, or who I was, but for who I wanted to be. Who I hoped I would become. 

Today I decided to become a RED team hacker and a BXM rider.